Tuesday 10 July 2012

Recrudescence

Right, I am aware that I haven't written on here since new years, which is a looong time. Looking back over the last seven months, a lot has changed yet things still remain the same. Hard to explain but I know what I mean, ish. I can't lie and put the good ol' rubbish of 'yeah I've been doing some soul searching and I finally know who I am blahblahblah' because that would be a be a big fat lie. However, I have realised a few things. 
  1.  I feel as though I am losing my mind. Losing my mind in the sense that I feel like, to some extents, I suffer from depersonalisation. I can't explain what I actually feel to deep lengths as I end up coming across as though I have some deep underlying psychological imbalance. It's not full blown depersonalisation that some people experience but it's moreso the fact that I go through stages whereby I feel like I'm having an out of body experience. I can't explain it. It's like my mind leaves me, and my soul is observing my life objectively. Leaving me feeling dettached from the world. If you spend a lot of time around me you'll understand what I'm talking about as you've probably experienced me going through it. It's not even a long term thing, it's just a bout of weirdness that leaves me feeling drained. Sometimes, it's only for short periods of times, others it's as long as a few days where afterwards I'm left feeling weird. I can't describe it. 
  2. I'm losing passion for life in general. Once again, psychotic. When it comes to words, I'm not very good, thus I come across as very weird, only sometimes though. I don't know if the right term is losing passion for life but whatever it is, it sucks. I don't seem to want to do anything a lot of the time, which is an issue because as we all know 'idle hands are the devil's workshop'. To try to combat this, I have been trying to find things I enjoy; for instance, I've taken up drawing again. I did Art at GCSE and got an A, for which I am happy about, so yeah I decided to start doing it again. I drew three pictures I think, yeah three...Goku, Riley and a Lotus flower. Although I managed to get all those three done in about a week or so, I haven't touched my sketchpad since Tupac's birthday when I started drawing Tupac. That has been, what, nearly three weeks now? I'm currently in the mood to take it up again, so after this I'm going to complete the sketch quickly. That seems to be the story of my life, I lose faith and passion in things too quickly - this needs to stop, else I'm going nowhere. I think maybe it is because I don't have faith in much. I don't know. Sometimes, I find it very hard to express myself appropriately.
  3. I said I'm losing passion for stuff but recently I've been getting back into basketball, which I love. I don't even know why I stopped playing. Tell a lie, it was when I went to Nigeria last summer that I kinda stopped. Played like twice over there and when I came back, there wasn't a team for U18s. So yeah, but now there's a new women's session, this is the fourth week of it. I've been thrice, it's good :D Getting into the swing of it. Surprisingly, I didn't wake up with aches and whatnot after yesterday's session, lawl. I need to work on my fitness though, it's poooooooor. 
This year is done, thank God. Summer starts in two weeks or so, but I can't lie I'm not looking forward to results day. I keep thinking back to my exams and what I've written, which leaves me feeling nervous. Also, the fact that all my exams are essay based means that you can't mess up a 'bit', I've probably flopped (-_-). 

Random: Do you ever randomly get nervous? For pretty much no reason, you just suddenly get nervous? "I think about what I do on most cases when I feel nervous like this, I cannot deduce a pattern. I just understand that I feel nervous whenever. It's starting to become bothersome because it keeps me from concentrating from what I need to do"

One of the worst things ever is when someone presents to you this image of who they supposedly are. This purported 'image' makes them seem much better than they are. Then you find out what they're truly like and you're left feeling like a mug. Feeling like a mug because you realise that you have placed them on a much higher pedestal than they deserved. Leaves you feeling somewhat irritated. Anyway, enough rambling. I've got a sketch to get on with, then I have some work to complete as I'm behind on quite a bit :-| 
"You know the great thing, though, is that change can be so constant you don't even feel the difference until there is one. It can be so slow that you don't even notice that your life is better or worse, until it is. Or it can just blow you away; make you something different in an instant"

xo

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