Wednesday 15 August 2012

Okay, I don't know where to start or where this is going. I am literally just going to try to put my thoughts down - I need to. My mind is a very confused place at the moment. I don't even know if it's just now or maybe it's been like this for a long time and it's just got to a point whereby it must be acknowledged. It's all confusing what goes on up there. Like, recently I find myself just feeling forever uneasy. Uneasy in the sense that there is, what feels like, a background nervous feeling that sits with me constantly. Maybe it's feeling stronger now that my results are out in less than two days. Maybe, I don't know. Maybe, that is just it, I do not know. 

The problem with not knowing is that I can't decide if I want to make conscious effort to know. What's funny is that I'm aware that I myself am not fully aware of my own capabilities. Does that make sense to you? I understand that I have potential for a lot of things but just how much potential. I just want to know what my 'niche' is and stick with it. Hmm. I'm confusing myself now. Basically, my issue with this whole not being aware of one's potential is scary. Scary in the sense that, what if I decide to try and find out just what my purpose is or how much potential I have and it doesn't go to plan. Of course there is no set plan but there is how I would like things to go. Ideally, I would like to find that my capabilities are craaaaazy but then what if it turns out that's not the case? That I'm more or less destined to live a subpar mediocre life? The way I look at it is like the Schrodinger's cat experiment - I am going to assume you are aware of what it is. Schrodinger's cat experiment in the sense that I'm scared of what I could reveal.

Just thought about results again, even more heart palpitations. My problem is that I KNOW that my grades have been decided and right now there is physically nothing I can do to change it yet I keep stressing about it. I fear disappointment, greatly. To a point whereby the thought of it has me nearly breaking a sweat, palms itching etc. Especially disappointing my parents. Which makes me even think of my future. I'm unsure of what to do now regarding careers and whatnot. Nowadays, I find that all I want to do is either draw or play basketball. But neither of those come under what my parents would like me to go into. Even me personally don't think I could go into that area, it's a bit risky. With basketball I could hurt myself - that's it. With art, I simply may just not be good enough. I'm my biggest critic and to be honest I cannot take my peers compliments of work as fact. Why? Because how often are they around sublime work? I could do what is a normal average sketch but due to the fact that they aren't usually exposed to great work they'll over rate my work. Thus, causing me to be likely to think I'm better than I am. The thing with drawing that gets me is that it just relaxes me, like I feel at ease with the world when I do it. Then I begin to question whether it should remain a hobby and not a career path. I now feel like I'm babbling on. 

I get to these stages and I lose interest in sharing my thoughts further. Not only do I feel like I've been on too long but I just generally lost interest in sharing because I've one again ended lost in thought. You know what's funny? I think a lot but I can't pin point what it is that is stressing me out. That's comedic. Like, I begin to feel like I'm just being an attention seeking idiot. Which frustrates me because that's not the case at all, I'm just not good at translating thoughts into coherent words. After that I'm still not sure. Sometimes I wish there was someone there to babble to as I'm thinking because then a lot of my thoughts won't pile up. If that makes sense. Of course, that doesn't mean someone must be there 24/7 to listen to my rubbish, it would be comforting just knowing someone is there. I need to find myself. Not in the way that most people think either. I think that's where the root of my problems are planted.




 Do you feel how you feel because you have been told about how these feelings are supposed to feel so you subconsciously force yourself to feel this way? - my musing













 

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